One week & the ascent
It’s been marked on the calendar for awhile now. Shiloh day. One week from today (assuming this little one doesn’t have plans for an early arrival), we will be preparing to head into the UW to start inducement.
And so I guess you could call this early morning the dawn of Shiloh week.
For me, I feel a bit like Abraham setting out for Mount Moriah with Isaac. Release and altar waiting. With one key difference. I’ve already been here. And I’m learning that makes all the difference.
I’ve hiked up the hill with my daughter. I’ve come to the altar and with trembling hands released her. And I’ve seen with my very own eyes the miraculous provision of the Lord.
But it is not that provision per say that steadies my feet and gives hope to my heart at the start of this second ascent.
I walk into this week with confidence, not expecting a specific outcome, but knowing and trusting the heart of my Father.
Hebrews gives us a clue into what Abraham was thinking as he ascended the mountain – “He considered that God was able to even raise him from the dead, from which, figuratively speaking, he did receive him back.” Abraham knew and had seen and had lived God as a God of promises and a God of faithfulness. He knew the promises that rested on Isaac’s head. And because He knew who God was, He could trust Him in what He was doing, even when from all outside appearances that what seemed contrary to who God was.
Job, after coming to a humble appreciation of the God of the leviathan and the behemoth, and God over his sufferings, cries out, “I know you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted!” Looking back at his questioning heart, wrought raw with suffering, he confesses, “Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. My ears had heard of you, but now my eyes have seen you.”
I have not just heard of the Lord, I have seen the Lord. And that changes everything.
I know the love that Jesus has for me – in John Jesus tells us that “as the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.” Did you get that? Did that really sink in? The same love that the Father has for the Son, Jesus has for me. The same love.
One of the questions that oft gets repeated in our household is, “how much does your mama love you?” Ellie and I will go back and forth just like the classic book – does mama love you to that tree and back? Nooooo. Does mama love you to that stop sign and back? Nooooo. The response is “noooooo” until we get to our final, “does mama love you to the moon and back?” And Ellie will exclaim excitedly, “Yes! That’s a lot of love mama.”
Friends, the same love the Father has for the Son, Jesus has for me. That’s a whole lot of love.
I have seen this Father heart. This Father heart that persistently and patiently and gently and at times painfully works for my good – for my good that echoes into all of eternity. He sees the dominoes fall, He sees the effects of all not just into tomorrow, or next year, or the next decade, but into endless days. He never trades the long game for the short game. Lovingly He weaves together triumph and heartbreak and victory and defeat into a tapestry that will ultimately display His glory and His beauty as the skillful weaver.
And so I don’t know what will happen at the UW next Saturday. I know that if He so desires, my daughter will breathe with no effort. With no assistance. She will scream and her skin will be beautifully pink. If He so desires.
But I also know that if pain, if heartache of one of the worst varieties I can imagine, awaits me there, He is also present. And sovereign. And good. And though I may wail at the sting of it, and beat His chest in the grief of it, He will not let go. And His good and glorious and beautiful purposes will one day ultimately prevail.
And so I say with the Psalmist, whom shall I fear? What outcome shall I fear?
And so as I begin the ascent this week, I can honestly say, it is well with my soul. The presence of the Lord is resting here, just as it did in Shiloh so many years ago, and therefore, there is great peace.
Just recently my daughter shared your journey with me & I instantly became overwhelmed with an abundance of emotions! Emotions that are filled with love, hope,, anticipation, resolve, gratitude, grace,, happiness, acceptance & some that have no words capable of expressing! But I do believe, that there is a bigger picture. One, that God does not intend for us to understand or are capable of enduring when experiencing such experiences! Sometimes those directly involved are the conduits which God needs in order to help others learn His love & grace? My love & prayers will be with Shiloh, you, your husband, your other 2 girls & entire family & friends forever! Thank you for sharing your journey! Love To All! Theresa ~