Dear Toppy (February 8, 2017)

My dear sweet Toppy,

Yesterday was your big day! Your daddy and I got to see you in great detail for the first time. This was a day we approached with great anticipation. We were so excited to learn a bit more about the treasured one God was knitting together in my womb. Because your sister has some extra special characteristics, there were certain things in particular that we knew they would be looking at. We knew we would come away knowing whether or not you shared those characteristics with her.

Well my dear, it appears as if you may be just as stubborn as both of your older sisters. You were thoroughly enjoying twisting and turning into just the right position to make the tech’s job as difficult as possible. Slowly but surely, though, the boxes were ticked off. Throughout this process we got to share quite a bit about your big sister Bella with the tech, and we slowly (much too slowly for your daddy’s liking) approached those measurements of particular interest.

The tech got to your sweet little arm, that was of course constantly waving to mommy and daddy, and froze on the bone. The number flashed on the screen. And we knew. Jesus had blessed us with another special little one. And my dear, I do mean blessed. Your mommy and daddy do not see your diagnosis as a curse. In fact, we tend to believe the old saying that the best gifts come in little packages.

And sweet one, you will be little. In fact, your little arms and legs are measuring significantly shorter than your sister’s at this point. I’m not going to lie, those numbers make your mommy and daddy a little nervous. The exam here in Wenatchee doesn’t measure your chest – we have to wait until we head over the mountains to see that number – but we fear with your shorter bones elsewhere your chest might be smaller as well.

But here’s the thing. Your mommy and daddy just so happen to know the best Healer and grower of bones. And we happen to have quite a large contingent of friends who also know this Healer. And pretty soon there’s going to be a whole bunch of people pestering Him and asking Him to grow that little ribcage of yours. They’re going to be pleading for big deep beautiful breaths for you – just like they did for your big sister.

Unfortunately, sweet one, that’s not going to be the only battle you have to fight. There are some big things going on with your heart. Big scary things that make your mama tremble. We know you’re going to have to fight past even bigger hurdles here than your sister. How big we’re not quite sure of yet. But pretty soon we’ll get to take a very long, detailed look at your little heart with people who have devoted their lives to figuring out how best to help you.

But all of these things mean your mommy and daddy are back to where they were two years ago. Back to knowing that your future here on this earth is very much unknown at this point. Back to not knowing whether we’ll be given minutes, hours, days or many many years with you. Oh sweet baby, that is such a hard place to be. We love you dearly and we’re going to do everything we can to see many years with you.

But here’s what I know. You have been perfectly created for your ultimate purpose. And that is to glorify the Lord and enjoy Him forever. And you know what? That purpose is not tied to the length of a life. And so your daddy and I persist in hope – in hope for healing, yes, but even more so in hope that your little life will bring glory to the one who created you. We feel so honored to be chosen as your mommy and daddy. That feels like a weighty responsibility at the moment. We know a bit more about the journey ahead of us than we did two years ago. We know we’re at the start line of a marathon. We know there are going to be moments when our knees give way and we fall down. But we know the Strong Arms that are ready to pick us up and carry us if need be. And we know your little life is going to bring us even closer to Jesus – and for that, sweet one, we cannot adequately thank you.

But listen. You better get your fighting muscles ready. We’re ready to fight right alongside you. And you have two big sisters who happen to be some of the best cheerleaders around. And my sweet little lady, don’t worry, there is plenty of pink and purple and ruffles and princess dresses around this house. Your big sister Eliana was a little sad when she found out you weren’t a boy, but what she doesn’t know is that boys are kind of stinky. She happens to be one of the greatest big sisters out there, and she’s quite experienced and ready to show you the ropes.

And then there’s your big sister Bella. Oh my goodness I can only imagine the trouble the two of you will get yourselves into. I cannot tell you how excited it makes me to think about all the things the two of you will be able to share. You will understand each other and the challenges each of you face in such a deep way. You will share the same scars across your chests and hands, the marks of a warrior. And you will both, I have no doubt, continue to defy the expectations others put on you. Oh how my heart aches for the two of you to be able to walk this journey of life together!

So my dear daughter. You grow big and strong. Get ready to show those docs over in Seattle that you’re every bit as much of a warrior as your big sister. And know that you have one of the best fan clubs out there that are already hitting their knees on your behalf.

You are so loved,
Mommy

As we begin this journey again, I have my suspicions that the following song will become an anthem for us throughout the coming months.

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