Neither here nor there

I break all conventional rules of blogging. I write posts that are too long. And sometimes, like today, there’s not a singular cohesive point to what I post. But let’s be honest, since I’m going on six plus weeks of very limited, broken up sleep there’s not much singular cohesion happening in my life right now. It’s pretty much just a thick fog that I’m thrilled to wade through and discover at the end of the day that I have two relatively happy, alive children and – on a really good day – dinner on the table – and on a really, really good day – that I’m dressed, showered and have make-up on. When I showed up on time with both girls to the dentist at nine a.m. in the morning (what was I thinking with that scheduling?!?) for Eliana’s appointment last week I really wanted some kind of medal. I even put on make-up. Shower? Ummm, we’ll leave that undisclosed.

The main reason I can rarely make it out the door on time (praise Jesus there’s not too much in my life right now that I need to be on time for) is that my sweet new daughter loves to eat. This is a really good thing for her health, and due to her quickly burning calories heart, if she shows any interest in eating, I pretty much let her eat. Oh second children. With Eliana I did my very best to stick to a schedule. And never nurse her to sleep. And make sure she got her awake time after each feeding. And never let her sleep in my bed. All those things could result in the permanent ruination of my child, right? Now, before anyone gets her panties in a wad and starts writing a dissertation on why one method of newborn-raising is far superior please note that I am in no way coming down on the side of this theory or that theory. My humble opinion is that you do what works for you on that day with that child. Sometimes schedules are awesome and necessary. Sometimes they’re stressful and suffocating. And I’ll stop there. This post is quickly derailing onto the turf of mommy wars that I attempt to avoid at all costs.

Back to Bella. She gets to eat whenever she pleases. And sometimes she gets nursed to sleep. And sometimes you’ll even find her sleeping in our bed {gasp! I know, I’m as surprised as you}. But one thing we’ve learned about sweet Bella is that she loves to be close to people. She loves to be able to see, and feel, others. This is very different from our staunchly independent (shall we say stereotypical?) first child. I think Bella must have discovered that the one way to guarantee being held a lengthy amount of time is to eat. Constantly. And so she makes it clear that she wants to eat. Constantly. The result being that my supposed-to-struggle-gaining-weight child is much chubbier than her perfectly healthy older sister ever was.

The topic of feeding takes me back to the few days we spent in the hospital after Bella’s birth. I never really shared with you some of the amazing graces of those days. Lately I know there’s been a lot of brouhaha on the internet about nurses and their awesomeness and how some talk show ladies should have NEVER insulted the profession. I must say, we were incredibly grateful for the nurses we got to work with at UW.

Remember Jenni? The nurse who comforted, encouraged, and carefully monitored me through the long hard night? And even requested to stay beyond her shift?

She had asked before leaving if it was ok for her to visit us that evening. And so she showed up to meet Arabella that night around 9 or 10. She wasn’t working. Didn’t have a shift. But she showed up to see us, with a little gift and a card. I’m pretty sure nursing is more than just a job to Jenni.

And then there’s Nobuko and Tami, who transported me down to the maternity ward. They stayed and hand expressed for me my colostrum to help my milk come in faster. We were so blessed on the maternity ward to have a lactation consultant as our main nurse for two of the days. Oh the great grace of this fact! She also spent a great deal of time with me, hand expressing colostrum and gently encouraging Bella to feed. Without these ladies’ help, I doubt my milk would have come in on the second day. And we would not have headed home with as successful of a breast-feeder. Once again, nurses are amazing.

But then there are some doctors who are quite amazing as well. Remember that Jesus-loving neonatologist that invited us to hope? Turns out since he had seen us at a prenatal appointment, he got an email after Bella’s birth announcing, “Arabella Johnson came out screaming!” And so when he stopped by the UW the next day he hunted us down on the maternity ward. He held and wondered at our daughter, and talked to us for close to an hour. We were still at that point quite concerned about Bella’s health and prognosis; he assuaged fears and commented on how alert and healthy she looked. He even prayed for us and Arabella, and thanked us for sharing far and wide that doctors don’t always get it right. Once again, grace upon grace.

It’s now been six weeks since those long days in the hospital. The whir of life and the wearing lack of sleep of the newborn phase has a way of dulling the miracle and wonder of it all. But all I have to do is pause. And remember. And I’m overcome once again. And then it gets really hard to complain and pity myself for the sleepless nights and the toddler/newborn juggling act – and oh how my selfish heart cries out for pity! But…but…what would happen if we would always take the time to actually notice and recall the outstanding grace that has been poured out on us? If we actually obeyed the oft mentioned command to remember what the Lord has done? I for one would find it quite difficult to complain about anything. Even pulling over the car for the third time on a twenty minute drive to feed my ravenous infant (true story!).

Today, for the first time in these six weeks, I actually pulled my big camera out of its bag and dusted it off. The battery promptly died on me, but I did get a few shots of my grinning girl and her big sister. I teared up when I opened them on my computer and saw the way that Bella intently tracks and watches her big sister.

Just in the past few days she’s started grinning and cooing a great deal of the time when she’s awake and not hungry (which, let’s be honest, is a combination of events that does not translate to that much time in the day). But those smiles. My goodness.

And I’ll let you in on a little secret. I always dreamed of having a blue-eyed little girl. When I married an incredibly handsome man with gorgeous brown eyes, I knew enough from middle school biology that my chances of this dream coming true had been drastically reduced. Eliana has stunning brown eyes, with just a bit of her mama’s blue worked in around the edges. Right now Bella’s are beautifully blue and I have my suspicions (or foolish hopes?) that they may stay that way. Regardless, I’m enjoying them while they last!

And that my friends, is about it for my rule breaking, too long, all over the place post. Arabella heads to the cardiologist again this Thursday. After this appointment her case will be presented to the cardio team at Children’s and a determination will be made as to timing for surgery. Please pray for wisdom for the team, and continued protection over our little one’s health!