Contemplating Colostrum

It was our first morning as NICU parents. Shiloh had been born the night before, and had had an eventful night of tests and examinations and intervention. I had spent most of the night recovering on the maternity floor, but had made my way down to her room in time for morning rounds. Every day, two times a day, all of the doctors and residents and attendings would round by each room in the NICU. Each child’s case would be presented with stats from the day, and decisions would be made about future care. Parents were encouraged to listen in, as well as at times participate.

As the team discussed feeding plans for Shiloh, the attending turned to me. “Are you ok if we give her some formula? If you’re ok with that I can have her up to full feeds within two days.”

I responded that I wasn’t opposed to formula – whatever was best for Shiloh and whatever she needed at the moment was fine with me, I just requested that they use the colostrum I was able to pump first. The attending replied, “Of course, we just know with pumping you’re probably not going to get everything we’re going to want her to have.”

I knew this was likely the case. Exclusively pumping from the start, placed in the stressful situation of a child in the NICU…these were not the optimal scenarios for maximum production. And nobody produces that much colostrum.

But providing nourishment was one of the few things at that time that I could actually do, and so I diligently set about pumping…and drinking plenty of water. That first day I would proudly march in with my little syringes full of colostrum, happy to know that I was able to do something for my daughter.

And then a funny thing happened. My colostrum production multiplied. As in the baby syringes were no longer adequate. And then no longer were the jumbo syringes – I needed to move onto the full on breast milk bags.

But the even crazier part of this increase was that it stair stepped up right in tandem with the increases in Shiloh’s feeds. A nurse would inform me that the doctors had decided to up her next feed to a certain milliliter amount, and sure enough, I would have just finished pumping that amount plus just a little extra (not a lot…just a little over). This didn’t happen just once, but quite literally each time her feeds were increased.

On day four in the NICU, our feisty nurse decided Shiloh was ready to prove to the doctors she was ready to move toward discharge. So she upped her feed to 51ml, the amount she needed to be able to prove able to stomach before a departure could be contemplated. That same attending I had the initial conversation with showed up for rounds again. The nurse gave her report on the feeding Shiloh had just had, and the attending asked, not even looking up from her chart, “Of formula right?”

“No, all breastmilk. She’s only had breastmilk.”

The attending’s face shot up and she looked directly at me with a quizzical look.

And I wanted to ask her, have you ever heard of multiplying loaves and fishes?

So why do I bring this story up now? Why on the eve of heart surgery? The precipice of this weighty week?

Because I cannot count the times I’ve contemplated that colostrum in the last few days. I’m not going to lie, life has been a bit frenetic of late. We’re exhausted. And there are moments when it all seems too much and I wonder how I’ll make it through the days to come.

And it is then I hear the whisper in my soul, “Remember the colostrum.” What was needed was supplied. I did not pump 51ml of colostrum on day one, but that was not needed on day one. But each time more nourishment was needed, more nourishment was provided. There is a lot about this week that I just don’t know. Because we live out of town and don’t have any of our pre-op appointments until the day before surgery, we actually know very little about the surgery itself. We won’t even know where we’re staying until we hear back from the Ronald McDonald house tomorrow.

But. But.

I know the God of the manna, the God of the loaves and fishes. The God who supplies what is needed when it is needed. And so I take a deep breath, I contemplate that colostrum, and I take one more step forward – trusting that He knows all that is to come in this week, and will supply all that I need.

Thank you for covering our little family in prayer this surgery week! I don’t know how much I will be updating on the blog, but I will be sure to update on Instagram as we go throughout the week. Your love and support is much appreciated!