Sufficient

I’m currently perched on the bathroom floor, pillows propped up behind me. It’s the only “separate” room in our accommodations here. As Jesus called for me to come and sit with Him in the early hours of this morning, I knew I could not refuse, but I also knew that I didn’t want to disturb the much needed rest of my husband. And so I write from here. Swollen belly hanging over the keyboard, Bible perched on top of the toilet. Even bathrooms can be holy places.

Last night, in the throes of a massive head cold that came on full force yesterday, I was struggling to see how this latest development (my husband, watching me pull another tissue from the box, tenderly commented that I was a “hot mess”) had been lovingly chosen and given for this time. And so I pulled out the book that has carried and ministered to Jeff and I through this season, Streams in the Desert, longing for some proclamation of how God will triumph for good. I was looking for threads of hope and victory.

Instead, I was greeted by these words.

God was pleased to take my youngest child from this world, under circumstances that caused me severe trials and pain.

I almost shut the book at that point. These were not the words I wanted to read on this night, on the eve of the eve of my daughter’s birth with hope for healing still swelling in my chest. But I continued.

I found that the verse, “My grace is sufficient for you” was the text of next week’s Sunday school lessons, so I chose it as my Master’s message to the congregation, as well as His message to me…Yet I found that in all honesty, I could not say that the words were true in my life. Therefore I knelt down and asked the Lord to make His grace sufficient for me. While I was pleading in this way, I opened my eyes and saw this exact verse framed and hanging on the wall…Now as I looked up and wiped my eyes, the words met my gaze: “My grace is sufficient for you.”

The word “is” was highlighted in bright green, while the words “my” and “you” were painted in yet another color. In a moment, a message flashed straight to my soul, coming as a rebuke for having prayed such a prayer as, “Lord, make Your grace sufficient for me.” His answer was almost an audible voice that said, “How dare you ask for something that is? I cannot make My grace any more sufficient than I have already made it. Get up and believe it, and you will find it to be true in your life.”

And so I found the Lord gently rebuking me out of the self-pity that was beginning to grow in my chest at what seemed another burden laid upon my shoulders.

My grace – my undeserved favor – IS sufficient for you. Even in this, even if this cold hangs tight and you labor with a tissue box parked next to you, my grace is sufficient.

Sufficient. “Enough to meet the needs of a situation or a proposed end.”

How can the Lord confidently proclaim His sufficiency? Because He knows the proposed end.

Psalm 139 has been a rock to cling to in this season – “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.”

We have proclaimed this truth over our daughter. That she is no mistake. That she has been fearfully and wonderfully made for a purpose. That her frame was not hidden, but chosen with a purpose.

Yesterday, a friend passed along a devotional from Paul Tripp that referenced this famous Psalm.

But Psalm 139 continues. Verse 16: “Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.”

Wow! It’s a view of human identity that should take your breath away. Not only is it crucial to find your identity in God as Creator, but you must also find your identity in God as Sovereign.

You and I must rest in the fact that every situation, circumstance, location, experience, and relationship of your life has been under the wise and careful administration of the Lord Almighty.

He has known from the beginning exactly what he was going to do and exactly why he did it. From his vantage point, there are no slip-ups, no oversights, no accidents, no misunderstandings, and no mistakes. Nothing has fallen through the cracks.

Words and truths I know but I so need to remind myself of at this time.

I can face tomorrow, stuffy nose or not (feel free to pray that away), because I know that I know that that is true.

I know that my Jesus knows exactly how events will unfold.

I know that my Jesus has counted and numbered and determined each and every breath of my daughter.

He has looked at the events of tomorrow and how they will ripple into all of my days to come.

And He has proclaimed, My grace is sufficient.

Enough.

And that knowledge is enough.

I hope that when you look at me, you do not exclaim – “Wow, she is so brave and has such great faith. I could never walk that road.”

Trust me, what you’re seeing is not me. If you see glimpses of doubt, and fear, and self-pity, and pride, and self-sufficiency – that’s where you’re seeing me.

When you see courage, and faith, and grace, and peace, and strength? You’re seeing my Jesus. You’re seeing His all sufficient beautiful grace lavishly and undeservedly poured out in great measure.

Which means you too could walk this road. Because that same grace is sufficient for you. And because I know this world is broken and fallen and wreaked with disaster and disease, and because I know that my suffering is a drop in the bucket compared to that of many others, I so long for you as well to find that all sufficient grace. That grace that alone can carry us through the unimaginable into the arms of Jesus.

So tomorrow, however events unfold, I hope and I pray that you will see my Jesus is good and my Jesus is enough. For Arabella, for me, and for you.