Release

“I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted. You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.
“You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.’ My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.” – Job 42:2-6

“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” – Psalm 27

There is absolutely nothing about yesterday that went as planned.

Remember when I wrote about the comfort I derive from the illusion control and predictability?

I had taken a day where the things of great matter were completely unknown and out of my hands, and I had planned all of the surrounding details to go in such a way that I believed I could best handle that great unknown.

And then hour by hour I slowly watched the Lord wrench every one of those carefully laid plans out of my hands. As this was happening, the process appeared to be a cruel and unnecessary act. My husband can testify to the fact that I was not happy.

I struggled moment by moment to proclaim in such a way to make my fickle heart believe that my good Lord who was still on the throne was still good, and that this change therefore must also be good. But it surely didn’t feel good. And indulging in self-pity seemed so inviting.

One of the details that had been so carefully arranged was Kristin’s arrival (accompanied by her mother Deb) to be there to photograph the birth. Kristin, who trusted in the Lord’s timing enough to drive even a couple hours further from the imminent arrival of her first grandbaby. Kristin and Deb had already left town by the time we learned that inducement would likely not happen that day.

It turns out not only were there no rooms available in the NICU, there were absolutely no hotel rooms available in the city of Seattle (ok, I take that back, there were one or two going for about a grand). Something about someone named Taylor Swift coming to town. So suddenly Kristin and Deb, who had held off getting a hotel because they knew they would likely either be in the hospital or driving home late Friday, were suddenly (and quite sweetly willingly) looking at a night in their car.

Jeff and I were not about to let that happen. We checked with Ronald McDonald, and the house was very gracious in allowing them to occupy the other queen bed in our room.

I’ll be honest, this introvert by nature, on the (hopefully) eve of such a monumental day would not have imagined nor planned to have two people join my husband and I in our small room. This planner would have decided that that would not be what I needed emotionally at such a time.

This ‘impromptu’ slumber party ended up being a great mercy and grace to our souls.

At the point when all had been talked about, all had been anticipated, all had been prayed for, it was such a blessing to have others to sit with us in the waiting and pass the time with us in laughter. It was a blessing to have others in the room delighting in the very visible acrobatics of Arabella. It was a comfort to be prayed over before sleep.

And this morning, as I lay awake at my normal 4:30am trysting time with the Lord and reflected on the past 24 hours, I was brought to tears by the fact that I was already moving from knowing in my head to seeing with my eyes that even in this, my Jesus is so good.

I actually slept (until the 4:30 hour) really well last night. Even with guests. The night before I had slept terribly due to a combination of contractions, heartburn and the nasty head cold.

I can actually breathe through my nose this morning. This may be of use in labor. It appears that extra day allowed my cold to fade to a much more tolerable state.

And I have been once again tenderly and poignantly called to release my plans and simply trust. I’ve once again been given a very tangible lesson in the goodness of the Lord and His working.

Which is just the lesson I need going into today.

I know that there will be events today that at the time may appear to be anything but good. There may very well be a course of events that I never would have preordained or chosen.

And at the end of this day. And the end of this week. And the end of this month. And the end of this year. I may not see how it is good.

But I will know that it must be good. And I will see. One day, perhaps not until the day when the clouds of this world are wiped from my eyes and I at last see clearly, I will see how in every thread of this day my God is good and gracious and merciful.

And so I enter today, hands open and with prayers for the strength to keep them open.

Through it all, through it all my eyes are on you. Through it all, through it all it is well. So let go my soul and trust in Him, the waves and wind still know His name. It is well with my soul. (‘It is well’ by Bethel Music)