A Foreigner’s Guide to Chinese Performances

Performance shows, or as they’re referred to in China, Parties, are about as common in China as dumplings and tea.  They are held to celebrate all sorts of important occasions, and they always follow the same procedure.  Below is my handy guide to the Chinese performance show.

The evening begins with some elaborate song and dance routine, usually befitting the theme or occasion of the party.  If it’s a Christmas party, Santa…and this year his helpers…are sure to make an appearance in the opening act.

Next, all four hosts (And yes, there are always four.  And always two boys and two girls.  It’s all about the balance.) come out to officially begin the party.  In loud exuberant, and often in unison, flowery phrases they get the audience in the mood for the evening.  I’m usually too distracted by the prom dresses ripped straight from the early nineties to pay much attention.  However, you know their spiel is over when you hear “… kai shi!”, which literally means “is open”.  Jilin Normal University College of Foreign Language Stunning Salute and Tribute to the Christmas holidays is open!

Following the hosts, the highest ranking guest in attendance comes to make a statement.  At our parties, this job usually falls to the head of our department, whose English name is appropriately Queen.

After the formalities are taken care of, we can move onto what we’re all really here for…the performances.  Sure to be among them is at least one group of belly-baring girls dancing to a pop, rap, or hip hop song.  The lyrics are often in English, and while most in the audience are probably oblivious to the meaning, the foreigners in the front row are sometimes left cringing.

Each performance also features at least one ethnic minority dance, complete with costumes.  These are usually my favorite part of the evening.

Performances are not complete without a showing of the local foreigners.  If you couldn’t tell the foreigners by their looks, you could tell them by their lack of preparation.  While students practice hours and hours for weeks and weeks, we usually meet for about 30 minutes to run through a skit or some songs.  We’re all about the improvisation.  This year we recycled our Christmas party performance from a few years back–a dramatic retelling of ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.

Unfortunately, one of the kids refused to be asleep snug in her bed this year.  Someone had a bit of stage fright.  And someone thought the most convenient way to get off the stage FAST was the need for the ladies room.  Consequently, someone shrieked “peepee, peepee!” until she was carried off stage.  But that’s not what Wu is so excited to see.

He’s excited to see the eight…errrr…five…tiny…umm…large…reindeer prancing across the stage.  I was the reject reindeer at the back of the pack with broken antlers.  After prancing and pawing and wishing all a good night, we sang “We wish you a Merry Christmas” and returned to our front row seats for the rest of the performances.

The rest of the performances are sure to include modeling.  Yes, you read that right.  Modeling is considered a performing art in China.  It is not uncommon for your students to tell you about one of their classmates, “Oh so and so, yes, she’s very good at modeling.”  This year, the modeling began to the tune of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and ended to the tune of the Real Slim Shady.  Seriously.  I can’t make this stuff up guys.  The most popular pose for this year’s modeling act is what I like to call “the Nose Picker”.

Another common act is the comedy act, or as I like to call it “the long portion of the performances where you realize just how little Chinese you actually understand”.  The majority of the audience is quite entertained during this portion of the evening, while I struggle to understand the general idea of the act.  The most commonly chosen subject of comedy acts tends to be auditions for shows like American Idol, which lends itself to crazy dramatic characters.

In a performance, it is important for each class of students to have some sort of representation.  The easiest way to achieve this is to send one or two people up to sing a short solo or duet.  It is entirely unnecessary to be a skilled vocalist; all that is necessary is the courage to stand up and sing with all your heart into the microphone.  Your efforts will be rewarded by people rushing up to hand you flowers, or balloons, or santa hats.  However, don’t walk off with the loot…it’s needed for the next performer.

Occasionally, there will be a bit of hip hop dancing.  For awhile, there was a student we nick-named Dancing Larry who was actually quite skilled at this genre.  However, on the whole, Chinese students just aren’t very gangsta (I know that may come as a shock).  These two gals gave it their best shot.
If you’re getting tired and bored, never fear, the tried and true sign that the evening is drawing to a close is quickly approaching.  When a large group comes on stage to sing a somber song and they start holding hands and waving their hands…you know it’s almost over.

The four announcers in their ruffles and sequins will come back on stage, and in sad voices express their regret at the end of such a lovely evening.  And that folks is a Chinese Performance.